"The College Roommate": Dr. F.E. Minist's Analysis

Author and “Bohemian” Katherine Mansfield wrote: “How idiotic civilization is! Why be given a body if you have to keep it shut up in a case like a rare, rare fiddle?” Many feminists and hippies, believe that being unclothed makes individuals less afraid of their bodies and better able to express themselves. Feminists preach that we should love our bodies and not be ashamed of them. Francois, of college roommate lore (see "Death Becomes Him: the College Roommate" post BELOW), certainly seemed unafraid of his body.

- Dr. F.E. Minist (PHOTO: by JuLee Brand)


"I laughed so hard at the college roommate story (see story in post below) that I had to close my office door."
- Busting-a-gut in the Bayou


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"Spirit of Party": Readers React

"88 years ago women finally got the right to vote. My guess is that the women who fought so hard for this would be disappointed that the election process has turned into a battle of money, scandal and popularity. Woman did not march, dodge objects hurled at them and risk going to jail for the divisive political environment that we currently have." - Iowa Scooter Girl

"Killer article last week! But politics makes my stomach churn."
- Granby Jones

"Your point about George W is right on. I recently finished a 13-disc audio biography and found it very interesting. He seemed to demonstrate wisdom and insight far beyond the "Common Man" of his day....actually, he would probably surpass most people (certainly politicians) of our present time."
- The Napoleonic Wrestler

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Readers' Choice, Special Edition

WARNING: my 2nd, and perhaps last, political column. Don't like politics? Scroll down to "Death Becomes Him: the College Roommate" for your weekly laugh.

Today's Column: Beware the "Spirit of Party"
Our Olympic host, the “People’s Republic,” had its game face on: looking dignified, tolerant, civil. But underneath the plastic smiles, memories of ... FULL STORY

Backstory:

• My 1st political column "made the fridge", or so one reader told me. Write more political columns, she urged.


• Politics isn't 24x7 for me - a la CNN, FoxNews, MSNBC, etc. I can only handle about 5 minutes of it before my ears turn red.


• Thanks to my friends Chet, Pam & Frank, my brother Mike, my mother and Stick Girl for their 2 cents on this piece.
  
• The Democratic National Convention is 67 miles away from where I sit; the RNC is even further; I won't be attending either. I might watch a few minutes of each ... IF I can stomach them.


• Why can't we strive for the country of our forefathers - a United States that was created on ideals, not "realities"? I hold out hope for that America. Am I alone?
  

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Death Becomes Him: the College Roommate

Saturday morning. No class, no reason to set an alarm clock. However, I was jolted awake by the sight of my college roommate, Francois, stark naked – pouring a bowl of cereal in front of the window. The penetrating sunshine outlined his hulking frame. Seconds later, he strutted across the room, sat in a chair and attacked his cereal.

That’s okay, I thought, trying to endure the sound of whole grain being mashed and forced down his esophagus. He’ll get dressed soon. Afraid that his breakfast pose would permanently be burned into my brain, I rolled over and faced the wall next to the bed – the only sight line available that did not include his morning glory.

When the crunching, slurping and belching finally subsided, I glanced over my shoulder just in time to see him stroll across the room – still unclothed – and sit down in the other chair.

“Do you THINK you could put some clothes on?” I said, disgusted that both chairs were now tainted.

“Why? This is the way God made me.” The smile on his face begged to be wiped off.

Several days later, I opened the dorm room door and was greeted – once again – by the narcissist. He sat in a chair, in the buff, poking his thigh with a needle.

“WHAT are you doing?” I demanded, quickly closing the door before anyone in the hallway got an eye full.

“Oh, nothing. I just have a little ingrown hair.”

“This has got to stop … NOW!”

He chuckled and grabbed a drumstick from his Kentucky Fried Chicken bucket. After taking a bite, he licked his fingers, said, “Umm, umm, finger-licking good,” then went back to poking himself.

It was “the defining moment.” The line was drawn: death became him. I had the motive, but lacked the means ... for a while.

A few days later, time and chance dealt me the hand of a lifetime. Francois had just finished his evening shower and stood in front of the mirror – naked again, not even a towel covering his strapping loins and flanks – closely examining his complexion. He leaned forward, scanning every pore. His face was no more than 2 inches from the mirror.

The steam from his shower traveled through the open door as I sat at my desk, taking a study break, munching on peanut butter crackers.

“Niiiiiice,” I said, after a sideways glance at his latest pose.

It reminded me of Rodin's "The Thinker." Rodin probably never had to live with it, though, like I did. Too much humanity is a bad thing, I decided.

That's when the light bulb went off. And, when it did, it looked like I had been struck by Parkinson’s: I could hardly keep my hand steady as I caked Peter Pan on that ominous Saltine. Somehow, I spread extra creamy on both sides of the cracker and sneaked up behind him – undetected – as he continued his facial exam.

In the blink of an eye, I slipped the Saltine up his butt crack, violently swatted both of his cheeks, threw open the door and bolted out of the dormitory.

Thus ended Francois’ Nudist Phase.

Every Holiday Season, when "The Nutcracker" rolls into town, I wax nostalgic about that magic Saltine with a chuckle, then scratch my chin. I’m no ballet fan, but I hope to live to see the day that the Broadway marquee lights up with “Taylor & Francois present: The Buttcracker.” No dolls. No toy soldiers. No mouse king. Just a modern-day tale about how David defeated Goliath with nothing more than a Saltine, gobs of peanut butter and a twisted mind.



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"The Buttcracker" - just a taste

While roommates use the college years to ‘find themselves’ – since their professors won’t find them in class too often – the rest of us discover how little things chip away at our sanity … little things like:

• ‘borrowing’ toothbrushes and deodorant sticks
  
• sleeping in a coffin, not a bed (this really happened)
  
• blasting “Guns & Roses” at 6 AM, dancing in front of the mirror and expelling gas
  
• cramming a semester’s worth of dirty clothes underneath the bed
  
• eating your food, stealing your money, ‘borrowing’ your clothes (including underwear) and taking your car

FULL STORY: Monday, August 25

Pick Your Poison

Monday's column will be a double whammy: politics, humor or both? You decide. At the urging of several readers, I will - at long last - run my 2nd (and possibly final) political column in the Sky-Hi Daily News.

I will simultaneously run a blog-only humor column, something I call "The Buttcracker" - a sad glimpse at college dorm life (roommates come with no warning). "The Buttcracker" is too over-the-top for the newspaper, but not for slightly demented readers.

Got college roommate horror stories of your own? Let's hear 'em ...

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Insomnia: Readers Respond

"If my husband pulls that crack-of-dawn-must-see-wildlife crap on vacation - well - mmmmmBUH-BYE. No interrupting my beauty sleep (preferably in a Sleep Number Bed set at a perfect "55") ... Sleeping children? Nice! Especially teenagers."
- Wendy "Oprah-Better-Watch-Her-Back" Bailey


"Left the house this morning 10 minutes late, again. My daughter was 1 minute late for her 2nd day of school. SOMEONE put in OT this morning in the ladies room ... I won't loose sleep over it, but probably have a gray hair or two. What's the solution, ladies?" - Exasperated in Florida

"Insomnia? Tell me about it!!!! The "Golden Girls" (andLucille Ball if I can find her) are my best friends in the middle of the night!! I want to see the wolves too!!! When is it my turn to see such creatures???Once I hit a badger with the car!!! Does that count?"
- Ellen the De-Caffeinated

THIS WEEK's COLUMN -
in case your priorities are
messed up and you missed it -
(CLICK HERE)

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