Discovering Your Thirst Pain

Every artist has a muse. Dave’s was dead poultry – brought to life by a Weber grill, a 400-degree flame, a commercial-grade spatula and a little Springsteen in the background (sometimes the “Xanadu” soundtrack if the guys weren’t around). Almost every weekend ... FULL STORY

The REAL Story:

• You CAN'T be Serious!
  The real "pitcher incident" occurred during Superbowl XLI: Bears vs. Colts. While I was munching on a bowl of Doritos, the pitcher made its initial rounds, and the pitcher-barer (who's identity I cannot reveal) actually fell asleep ... DURING the game! I held my tongue and did not to question his manhood.
  
• Shawn: Fact or Fiction
  Shawn Hammes is flesh and blood, the real deal. His big screen TV did actually break down. He, alone (perhaps), read the infamous "water book" and could NOT shut up about it. In addition to reading, Shawn cops to liking the movie "The Breakfast Club" (an undeniable chick flick), the Minnesota Vikings and long weekends.


• This Week's Theme Song
  If you need music to accompany your to-die-for hot wings,CLICK HERE. Note the chick magnet 60s duds and doos.
  
• I'll Take Classic Lit for $600, Alex
  When I bury my nose in a book, more often than not it is classic literature: Sherlock Holmes, Robin Hood, Tales of 'O Henry. Recently, I have immersed myself in one literary master's (who wrote ca. 1800 and who's character development is second to none) works ... who inspired the phrases "rapturous delight" and "suffered the offense with ..." Can you name that author?
  
• Hot Thighs Recipe
  My recipe ... admittedly not as good as Dave's (I don't know the secret sauce)
  1 - fire up grill to 400 degrees
  2 - skin thighs and place face down in a canola oil-greased cookie sheet
  3 - put thighs face down on grill for 7 - 10 min., then flip for 20 minutes
  4 - saturate thighs with hot wing sauce (any brand will do)
  5 - cook for 5 minutes, then serve with celery sticks & ranch dressing
  NOTE: serve with Corona beer, Fat Tire Amber Ale or Long Island Iced Tea
  
• Hot Thigh Recipe 2
  1 - slice meat off bone and drizzle with MORE hot wing sauce
  2 - steam rice with cilantro in a rice cooker (2 cups water, 1 cup rice)
  3 - dice green onions and celery
  4 - mix 1 tablespoon of butter in with each bowl you serve
  5 - top with celery, onions and thigh meat
  YUM, YUM! Serve with Corona beer, Fat Tire Amber Ale or Long Island Iced Tea


• Hot Thigh Recipe 3
  1 - put equal portions of cilantro rice, hot thigh meat and black beans in a burrito-sized tortilla.
  2 - add diced green onions, celery and cheese (of your choice)
  3 - drizzle with green salsa and lime juice
  4 - serve with Corona beer, Fat Tire Amber Ale or Long Island Iced Tea
  
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• Desperately Seeking ...
  LOL, ROF, PMP funny holiday stories. What's yours?

• ifguyscouldtalk@hotmail.com

Dr. F.E. Minist Chimes In

"I am woman! I am invincible! I am pooped!" ~Author Unknown.

As great as this country and its people are, we need to face the fact that sometimes American's have it wrong. A huge portion of us - women and men -are caught up in the idea that we have to and can do everything. We work our 40+ hours per week (often working through lunches and into the evening). We attend all our kids activities. We volunteer. We are there for families and friends. We work out and, quite frankly, we are exhausted.

Our attempts to do "everything" has serious side effects - obesity, antidepressants now the #1 US prescription drug, increased TV viewing ... and, perhaps most troubling, each technological breakthrough minimizes the need for verbal communication. Yet, so many of us are "fine." Guess what? Fine isn't good enough. Go home, turn your TV off, play with your child outside, eat ice cream and actually work to be happy!

- Dr. F.E. Minist, Women's Studies Expert
- PHOTO by JuLee Brand

How Ya' Do-in': Readers Respond

"My hound has a major sweet tooth, too; if something "sweet" spills on the floor, he is right there. I could throw a raw steak down and he might glance at it as he snarfs the sweet stuff ... I would like to be Giana today. Do you have a magic wand? Zap me!"
- FazeHer, the 24-Hour Arizona Surprise


"LOVED the part about eating a Weight Watchers lunch with chopsticks."
- Chi-Town Cuppajo



"Inspired, yesterday I made myself a PB&J sandwich. Someone at work today asked, "How are you doing?" "Great!" I replied ... and meant it."
- Jon in Jacksonville

Desperately Seeking ....
LOL, ROF, PMP funny holiday stories. What's yours?


ifguyscouldtalk@hotmail.com

How Ya' DO-in' ... Really?

It’s the stuff of fortune cookies, a nickel’s worth of psychiatric help and any noteworthy call to war: seizing the day. When’s the last time you did?

Been a while for me, but I remember what it looks like, thanks to Tuffy, a Boston Terrier with vision.

My landlord and I walked in on his creation one day ... FULL STORY

The Real Story:

• Playing Sock with a Boston Terrier
  Tuffy would clamp on to one end of a tube sock, and I would lift him off the ground by the other. THEN - suspended in the air - he would violently shake his head. Boston Terriers are often referred to as the "American Gentlemen" of dogs due to their pleasant personalities. I can't argue that. Tuffy loved to play sock, eat table scraps and snuggle up next to you on the couch for an ear scratch. I loved that dog.
  
• The Sugar Canister Incident
  Really happened. I ran down to the basement for an unrestrained chuckle, while my landlord screamed in anger and performed a room-to-room Tuffy hunt. When she found him shaking under the bed, she gave a spirited lecture (including a finger wagging) about his misdeeds and the sanctity of the kitchen.
  
• Who's that Girl .... Gianna?
  I have been sworn to secrecy. However, beware those who claim to have attained perfection.
  
• Shenanigan Reality Check: True or False
  Taco Bell - true. Camera borrowing - true. Fortune cookie routine - true (NOTE: fortune cookies are a recurring theme ... click here). However, these antics cannot be attributed solely to one person.
  
• How Ya' DO-in .... REALLY
  This story originally featured Granby, CO llama-owner Gretchen Reynolds, the inspiration behind the famous "bedsheets" column. Gretchen just smoked me this past week in fantasy football ... GRRRR. Gretchen is "marvelous" every day, except the day her McDonald's double cheeseburger lunch was late in arriving. In this article, I decided to focus on Gianna, Miss "Perfect", instead of Miss "Marvelous."
  
• Join the Club
  If you would like this link emailed to you every week, give me a shout at ifguyscouldtalk@hotmail.com. And feel free to look me up on Facebook ... query "Rob Taylor columnist" ... I'm the dude with the killer mullet.
  
• Weekly Blog Lineup
  Friday - Readers Respond
  Saturday - Dr. F.E. Minist
  Saturday - Wicked Wendy
  

Wicked Wendy Chimes In

"My house is messy enough to live in and clean enough to be healthy. That's good enough for me but not for my husband. He thinks he does a great job of cleaning but he just straightens. For the deep down clean...I avoid ulcers by hiring a maid. Life's too short."
- "Wicked" Wendy Crocker Bailey



ifguyscouldtalk@hotmail.com

Dr. F.E. Minist Chimes In

"Housework can't kill you, but why take the chance?" Phyllis Diller. There is an abundance of research that shows that women do most of the household labor and that marriage and children increases this work. However, research is also showing that men are chipping in more than ever before; however, no where near what women do. But, I am not going to solely blame the men for this and here is why. For many women it is an issue of control, being able to make things the way they want them is important and this is one area they can control. For other women they don't think their significant others can or will do as good as job so they tend to do it themselves. For those who do say that there significant others don't help out at all, you need to step up and delegate! Just because aspects of our society imply women are in charge of the domestic front, it doesn't mean things have to be that way. There is no excuse for one of the two partners, who both have full time responsibilities, to sit in front of the television or computer while the other one works. If you are truly in that situation, I would strongly suggest storing that mop in a location other than the closet!

- Dr. F.E. Minist, Women's Study Expert
(photo by JuLee Brand)

Readers Respond: Germaphobes & Starbucks

"Soooo funny!!! I LOVED the .....hail damage on my butt and the insurance company won't return my call posting!!!!!!! The Starbucks column had me howling!"
- Ellen, Master Teacher of the Prairie

"Reminds me of the USA Network character "Monk" - who is the poster child for living a "99.9 percent germ-free life". People that like to clean have a special trait that many (like myself) have a hard time applying to our lives. We struggle daily to take out the trash or keep the kitchen free of dirty dishes." - Bustin' a Gut in the Bayou


Alternate Ending
Suzie, in Phoenix, one of the Germaphobes who inspired this story, preferred the alternative ending (which I could not publish due to a 700 word limit). Taking Suzie's advice, here is the alternative ending (picking up right after you read the doctor's note):


... The next morning, he (Joy's husband) kicked her out of the house. At 10 AM, while she hovered over a latte and read a magazine at the corner Starbucks, he swept, mopped and vacuumed without complaint.


“What a nice surprise,” Joy said with a less-than-sincere smile. That afternoon, when he went to the hardware store, she cleaned the floors again until she heard the familiar squeak. Her husband caught her in the act, mop in hand. He threatened to tell her doctor.


Instead, he resorted to Plan B. One week later, he waived 2 Michael Bolton concert tickets in her face, cleared his throat, grabbed the broom handle and belted out “When a Man Loves a Germaphobe.” When the laughter subsided, he handed her a shopping bag. Gift-wrapped inside were 2 robots: a vacuum cleaner and a floor tile cleaner. Diamonds could not have excited her more.


She fired them up immediately, saying only, “I … I … I can’t believe it.” One year later, the floors have never been cleaner, and, according to the doctor, her ulcer is in remission.

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