No Nightmares, Just Wide-Eyed Regrets

It’s 1 AM. Sleep defies me.
It’s the pillow, the cotton-poly bed sheets, the stupid Sleep Number Bed. I’m not a 11 or a 37 or an 86. Fat chance I’ll ever win the lottery. I can’t even pick the winning Sleep Number. Ten more minutes tick off the clock ... FULL STORY


Backstory:

• My Version
  My wife doesn't remember this ... or so she says. Wildlife adventures have created much drama in our 13-year marriage.
  Exhibit One: The Girl Who Cried Wolf
  
• Got Insomnia?
  Me too. Not sure if it's restless leg syndrome, the bed, the pillow, the imperfect sleeping temperature, the itchy sheets, the fridge (amazing how loud the compressor gets at 1 AM).
  
• Midnight Tea
  Nothing tops Organic Throat Coat (R), but don't buy it if you don't like licorice.


• Things That Go Bump in the Night
  Somewhere in the past decade, I turned into my dad: I now walk around the house, turning EVERYTHING off. My greatest accomplishment in the past year is outfitting the hallways and kitchen with LED night lights. Before then, my wife left the light on above the stove ALL NIGHT LONG. 100 watts illuminating the nothingness for 8 hours a night. It nearly killed me.


• Sleeping Angels
  I remember being a kid ... Being a Little Kid is Tough. There are too many naps when you are a kid and not enough when you are an adult.

ifguyscouldtalk@hotmail.com

Feng Shui: Readers Respond

"Oh My Gosh... I see the history of the Taylor hair now. It all makes sense, finally."
- Carey Bittner

"OMG. Are you serious?????????? That mullet is the real deal? I am in complete and total shock of its magnitude. I'm numb with disbelief right now."
- Mary "Stick Girl" Klecker

My Response
What's wrong with you people? This article explores the possiblity of overcoming your guy-with-long-hair prejudice, not indulging it. Jeepers!!! This ground-breaking journalism focuses on the North Dakota accent, the Elmer Fudd cap, etc. I only received one comment about that, but 4 comments RE: the mullet.

Email me: ifguyscouldtalk@hotmail.com

No Denying the Feng Shui of Mount Baldy

WANTED: Village Idiot. Said idiot must exhibit stereotypical tourist behavior with ignorant bliss. Bizarre cultural background a plus. No experience ...FULL STORY

the story behind the story:

• PHOTO (Above)
  Me at age 22 in Taiwan with 2 English students at a Japanese restaurant. In my humble opinion, Japanese food should come with a warning ... it goes right through me


• On Mullets
  I blame mine on tennis player Andre Agassi (when he had hair) AND my good friend Tyler Bacon, who has very strong hair opinions. As for me ... nothing gets in the way of my hair appointment
  
• Don't Mess With North Dakota
  OK, so it doesn't have the same ring as Texas, but NoDaks take offense to outsiders ridiculing them. Don't believe me? Check this out: National Geographic writer eating crow in Bismarck ... for calling the prairie "empty"
  
• I once tried to help a friend (Mary) get rid of her ND accent. We practiced saying "Minnesota" about 20 times. Her problem: she hit the "SO" extremely hard. She was a good sport, an eager student, but I ended up ROFL anyway
  
  Mount Baldy (PHOTO: left)
  The crown jewel of Grand Lake, CO - a vacationer's paradise. No trees on this mountain. Local legend that states that in the summer/fall, when the last snow on Mount Baldy melts, it will snow again in a couple of weeks (i.e. winter is on the way).
  
  
  Email me: ifguyscouldtalk@hotmail.com

Now why didn't I think of that?

As a writer, I have been advised to use quotes sparingly. "Don't tell us what someone else said. If you don't have anything original to say yourself, then don't say anything at all." This is sort of like Thumper (from Bambi) advice. Still, I find wit irresistable. Below are some of my favorite quotes.

"If at first you don't succeed, don't try skydiving."
- t-shirt in Winter Park, CO

"Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair."
- George Burns

"Culture is what your butcher would have if he were a surgeon."
-Mary Pettibone Poole

"The best substitue for experience is being 16."
-Raymond Duncan

"Be yourself is the worst advice you can give some people."
-Tom Masson

Classic, one and all; however, my favorite quote this week belongs to Wendy (Bailey) Crocker ... see below.

Battle of Sicily: Readers Respond

"Tiramisu is by far one of the best desserts...EVER! No sharing. Not even one bite. Try it, and you'll pull back a bloody stump! Ugh ... I'm sounding like Jenny Craig's worst nightmare. - Wendy (Crocker) Bailey


"My wife kissed me at 12:01 AM today ... a gentle reminder that it was our 13th wedding anniversary ... I've had good tiramisu and bad tiramisu." (Here's to the good stuff!) - Jon in Jacksonville, FL

Winning the Battle of Sicily LINK

HEADS UP!
Looking for anyone with a Elmer Fudd cap photo for next week's column!!! Topics I'm stewing over: Yellowstone wolves, cleaning robots, cleaning obsessions, messy eaters, hunting tales. Everyone's got a story. What's yours?


Email me: ifguyscouldtalk@hotmail.com

Winning the Battle of Sicily

At a table for two, young love huddled close, enjoying fine dining and better company. They stared out the window, at the mountain stream rushing over the rocks and let their minds wander. Twice their eyes met ... FULL STORY

The rest of the story:

• SHARING DESSERT?
  Just to clear the air ... Ahem! If I (or anyone else who has developed a taste for tiramiu) EVER want to share, I'll let you know. "I'll just have a bite of yours" ... Dem' be fighten' words.
  
• SETTING
  The Historic Rapids Restaurant and Lodge in Grand Lake, CO. The scene in this week's column is compromised slightly: the Rapids does NOT serve tiramisu. However, Caroline's Cuisine does ... just a hop, skip and a jump down the road.
  Other column featuring "The Rapids"
  
• SICILIAN TIRAMISU
  My 1st & last exposure of "the good stuff" (Sicilian tiramisu) was at the Stagecoach Inn in West Yellowstone, MT. No other tiramisu is even in the same ballpark. The recipe must be a secret ... I can't find it anywhere.
  Tiramisu recipe (sadly, not Sicilian):
  
• Is cooking, truly the way to a man's heart? What's your take?
  
• COMMENT OF THE WEEK:
  Class of 1987 Minot High School alum Wendy (Crocker) Bailey wrote, "Life is too short for half a donut." Touche and amen, sister!
  Last Week's Column
  

ifguyscouldtalk@hotmail.com

Coming Attractions: August - September

PHOTO (left): Mark Abusamra's moose masterpiece, which hangs in my office and is available for sale at the Grand Lake Art Gallery.

"If Guys Could Talk" - the weekly column - is usually posted on Tuesdays, Wenesdays, sometimes Mondays. Here's the upcoming article lineup:

August 5/6: "Winning the Battle of Sicily" - an embellished testamonial RE: the dangers of fine dining

August 12/13: "No Denying the Feng Shui of Mount Baldy" - written particularly for all my North Dakota peeps

August 19/20: TBD ... maybe tatoos, maybe hot soup, maybe McDonald's double cheeseburgers

August 25 (Special Monday edition): "Beware the Spirt of Party" - 2nd installment of my "Taking Back America" series. This article is a follow-up to "Searching for the American Soul" (some readers' favorite column ... see links below).

Sky-Hi Daily News version

Bismarck Tribune version

September 2/3:

"You've Been in Nebraska Too Long When ..." - the other bookend to the Konnie Rask fashion queen story

Konnie Rask Saga - PART I