Post-Labor Day Litmus Test: Blacklisted Whites

No one saw it coming: Konnie Rask, Colorado’s former self-anointed fashion police chief, losing her way? Forget the election. This is THE story of 2008. Konnie Rask was sighted wearing white pants out of season.

Gasp. UFOs, Bigfoot and Elvis. Now this ...
FULL STORY

PHOTO: www.zappos.com

Backstory:

• Konstance Withdrawals
  Konnie Rask made Grand County, Colo. laugh and see that the cup was usually half full. She ALWAYS called it like it is. Colorado misses her dearly.
  
• Fashion Queen Encore
  This is Konnie's 2nd appearance in my column. Her first appearance featured game show legend Nipsey Russell - one of my grandmother's favorite '70s game show personalities.
  
• Mail Order Thanksgiving Dinner?
  Konnie NEVER cooked Thanksgiving dinner. It was shipped to her, pre-cooked, every year that she lived in Colorado. The fact that she is now cooking it herself is even more troubling than the Memorial Day violation.
  
• Even More PMP, ROFL Gems
  Readers Responses: Thursday, September 4
  Dr. F.E. Minist's Expert Analysis: Friday, September 5
  
• Coming Soon
  "Chipping Away at the 401 k", "Happily Married, Living the 99.9% Germ-Free Dream", "Dialing 9-1-1, Living with the Consequences", "Warm Memories of Hot Soup"

ifguyscouldtalk@hotmail.com

"The College Roommate": Dr. F.E. Minist's Analysis

Author and “Bohemian” Katherine Mansfield wrote: “How idiotic civilization is! Why be given a body if you have to keep it shut up in a case like a rare, rare fiddle?” Many feminists and hippies, believe that being unclothed makes individuals less afraid of their bodies and better able to express themselves. Feminists preach that we should love our bodies and not be ashamed of them. Francois, of college roommate lore (see "Death Becomes Him: the College Roommate" post BELOW), certainly seemed unafraid of his body.

- Dr. F.E. Minist (PHOTO: by JuLee Brand)


"I laughed so hard at the college roommate story (see story in post below) that I had to close my office door."
- Busting-a-gut in the Bayou


EMAIL: ifguyscouldtalk@hotmail.com

"Spirit of Party": Readers React

"88 years ago women finally got the right to vote. My guess is that the women who fought so hard for this would be disappointed that the election process has turned into a battle of money, scandal and popularity. Woman did not march, dodge objects hurled at them and risk going to jail for the divisive political environment that we currently have." - Iowa Scooter Girl

"Killer article last week! But politics makes my stomach churn."
- Granby Jones

"Your point about George W is right on. I recently finished a 13-disc audio biography and found it very interesting. He seemed to demonstrate wisdom and insight far beyond the "Common Man" of his day....actually, he would probably surpass most people (certainly politicians) of our present time."
- The Napoleonic Wrestler

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Readers' Choice, Special Edition

WARNING: my 2nd, and perhaps last, political column. Don't like politics? Scroll down to "Death Becomes Him: the College Roommate" for your weekly laugh.

Today's Column: Beware the "Spirit of Party"
Our Olympic host, the “People’s Republic,” had its game face on: looking dignified, tolerant, civil. But underneath the plastic smiles, memories of ... FULL STORY

Backstory:

• My 1st political column "made the fridge", or so one reader told me. Write more political columns, she urged.


• Politics isn't 24x7 for me - a la CNN, FoxNews, MSNBC, etc. I can only handle about 5 minutes of it before my ears turn red.


• Thanks to my friends Chet, Pam & Frank, my brother Mike, my mother and Stick Girl for their 2 cents on this piece.
  
• The Democratic National Convention is 67 miles away from where I sit; the RNC is even further; I won't be attending either. I might watch a few minutes of each ... IF I can stomach them.


• Why can't we strive for the country of our forefathers - a United States that was created on ideals, not "realities"? I hold out hope for that America. Am I alone?
  

ifguyscouldtalk@hotmail.com

Death Becomes Him: the College Roommate

Saturday morning. No class, no reason to set an alarm clock. However, I was jolted awake by the sight of my college roommate, Francois, stark naked – pouring a bowl of cereal in front of the window. The penetrating sunshine outlined his hulking frame. Seconds later, he strutted across the room, sat in a chair and attacked his cereal.

That’s okay, I thought, trying to endure the sound of whole grain being mashed and forced down his esophagus. He’ll get dressed soon. Afraid that his breakfast pose would permanently be burned into my brain, I rolled over and faced the wall next to the bed – the only sight line available that did not include his morning glory.

When the crunching, slurping and belching finally subsided, I glanced over my shoulder just in time to see him stroll across the room – still unclothed – and sit down in the other chair.

“Do you THINK you could put some clothes on?” I said, disgusted that both chairs were now tainted.

“Why? This is the way God made me.” The smile on his face begged to be wiped off.

Several days later, I opened the dorm room door and was greeted – once again – by the narcissist. He sat in a chair, in the buff, poking his thigh with a needle.

“WHAT are you doing?” I demanded, quickly closing the door before anyone in the hallway got an eye full.

“Oh, nothing. I just have a little ingrown hair.”

“This has got to stop … NOW!”

He chuckled and grabbed a drumstick from his Kentucky Fried Chicken bucket. After taking a bite, he licked his fingers, said, “Umm, umm, finger-licking good,” then went back to poking himself.

It was “the defining moment.” The line was drawn: death became him. I had the motive, but lacked the means ... for a while.

A few days later, time and chance dealt me the hand of a lifetime. Francois had just finished his evening shower and stood in front of the mirror – naked again, not even a towel covering his strapping loins and flanks – closely examining his complexion. He leaned forward, scanning every pore. His face was no more than 2 inches from the mirror.

The steam from his shower traveled through the open door as I sat at my desk, taking a study break, munching on peanut butter crackers.

“Niiiiiice,” I said, after a sideways glance at his latest pose.

It reminded me of Rodin's "The Thinker." Rodin probably never had to live with it, though, like I did. Too much humanity is a bad thing, I decided.

That's when the light bulb went off. And, when it did, it looked like I had been struck by Parkinson’s: I could hardly keep my hand steady as I caked Peter Pan on that ominous Saltine. Somehow, I spread extra creamy on both sides of the cracker and sneaked up behind him – undetected – as he continued his facial exam.

In the blink of an eye, I slipped the Saltine up his butt crack, violently swatted both of his cheeks, threw open the door and bolted out of the dormitory.

Thus ended Francois’ Nudist Phase.

Every Holiday Season, when "The Nutcracker" rolls into town, I wax nostalgic about that magic Saltine with a chuckle, then scratch my chin. I’m no ballet fan, but I hope to live to see the day that the Broadway marquee lights up with “Taylor & Francois present: The Buttcracker.” No dolls. No toy soldiers. No mouse king. Just a modern-day tale about how David defeated Goliath with nothing more than a Saltine, gobs of peanut butter and a twisted mind.



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"The Buttcracker" - just a taste

While roommates use the college years to ‘find themselves’ – since their professors won’t find them in class too often – the rest of us discover how little things chip away at our sanity … little things like:

• ‘borrowing’ toothbrushes and deodorant sticks
  
• sleeping in a coffin, not a bed (this really happened)
  
• blasting “Guns & Roses” at 6 AM, dancing in front of the mirror and expelling gas
  
• cramming a semester’s worth of dirty clothes underneath the bed
  
• eating your food, stealing your money, ‘borrowing’ your clothes (including underwear) and taking your car

FULL STORY: Monday, August 25

Pick Your Poison

Monday's column will be a double whammy: politics, humor or both? You decide. At the urging of several readers, I will - at long last - run my 2nd (and possibly final) political column in the Sky-Hi Daily News.

I will simultaneously run a blog-only humor column, something I call "The Buttcracker" - a sad glimpse at college dorm life (roommates come with no warning). "The Buttcracker" is too over-the-top for the newspaper, but not for slightly demented readers.

Got college roommate horror stories of your own? Let's hear 'em ...

ifguyscouldtalk@hotmail.com

Insomnia: Readers Respond

"If my husband pulls that crack-of-dawn-must-see-wildlife crap on vacation - well - mmmmmBUH-BYE. No interrupting my beauty sleep (preferably in a Sleep Number Bed set at a perfect "55") ... Sleeping children? Nice! Especially teenagers."
- Wendy "Oprah-Better-Watch-Her-Back" Bailey


"Left the house this morning 10 minutes late, again. My daughter was 1 minute late for her 2nd day of school. SOMEONE put in OT this morning in the ladies room ... I won't loose sleep over it, but probably have a gray hair or two. What's the solution, ladies?" - Exasperated in Florida

"Insomnia? Tell me about it!!!! The "Golden Girls" (andLucille Ball if I can find her) are my best friends in the middle of the night!! I want to see the wolves too!!! When is it my turn to see such creatures???Once I hit a badger with the car!!! Does that count?"
- Ellen the De-Caffeinated

THIS WEEK's COLUMN -
in case your priorities are
messed up and you missed it -
(CLICK HERE)

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No Nightmares, Just Wide-Eyed Regrets

It’s 1 AM. Sleep defies me.
It’s the pillow, the cotton-poly bed sheets, the stupid Sleep Number Bed. I’m not a 11 or a 37 or an 86. Fat chance I’ll ever win the lottery. I can’t even pick the winning Sleep Number. Ten more minutes tick off the clock ... FULL STORY


Backstory:

• My Version
  My wife doesn't remember this ... or so she says. Wildlife adventures have created much drama in our 13-year marriage.
  Exhibit One: The Girl Who Cried Wolf
  
• Got Insomnia?
  Me too. Not sure if it's restless leg syndrome, the bed, the pillow, the imperfect sleeping temperature, the itchy sheets, the fridge (amazing how loud the compressor gets at 1 AM).
  
• Midnight Tea
  Nothing tops Organic Throat Coat (R), but don't buy it if you don't like licorice.


• Things That Go Bump in the Night
  Somewhere in the past decade, I turned into my dad: I now walk around the house, turning EVERYTHING off. My greatest accomplishment in the past year is outfitting the hallways and kitchen with LED night lights. Before then, my wife left the light on above the stove ALL NIGHT LONG. 100 watts illuminating the nothingness for 8 hours a night. It nearly killed me.


• Sleeping Angels
  I remember being a kid ... Being a Little Kid is Tough. There are too many naps when you are a kid and not enough when you are an adult.

ifguyscouldtalk@hotmail.com

Feng Shui: Readers Respond

"Oh My Gosh... I see the history of the Taylor hair now. It all makes sense, finally."
- Carey Bittner

"OMG. Are you serious?????????? That mullet is the real deal? I am in complete and total shock of its magnitude. I'm numb with disbelief right now."
- Mary "Stick Girl" Klecker

My Response
What's wrong with you people? This article explores the possiblity of overcoming your guy-with-long-hair prejudice, not indulging it. Jeepers!!! This ground-breaking journalism focuses on the North Dakota accent, the Elmer Fudd cap, etc. I only received one comment about that, but 4 comments RE: the mullet.

Email me: ifguyscouldtalk@hotmail.com

No Denying the Feng Shui of Mount Baldy

WANTED: Village Idiot. Said idiot must exhibit stereotypical tourist behavior with ignorant bliss. Bizarre cultural background a plus. No experience ...FULL STORY

the story behind the story:

• PHOTO (Above)
  Me at age 22 in Taiwan with 2 English students at a Japanese restaurant. In my humble opinion, Japanese food should come with a warning ... it goes right through me


• On Mullets
  I blame mine on tennis player Andre Agassi (when he had hair) AND my good friend Tyler Bacon, who has very strong hair opinions. As for me ... nothing gets in the way of my hair appointment
  
• Don't Mess With North Dakota
  OK, so it doesn't have the same ring as Texas, but NoDaks take offense to outsiders ridiculing them. Don't believe me? Check this out: National Geographic writer eating crow in Bismarck ... for calling the prairie "empty"
  
• I once tried to help a friend (Mary) get rid of her ND accent. We practiced saying "Minnesota" about 20 times. Her problem: she hit the "SO" extremely hard. She was a good sport, an eager student, but I ended up ROFL anyway
  
  Mount Baldy (PHOTO: left)
  The crown jewel of Grand Lake, CO - a vacationer's paradise. No trees on this mountain. Local legend that states that in the summer/fall, when the last snow on Mount Baldy melts, it will snow again in a couple of weeks (i.e. winter is on the way).
  
  
  Email me: ifguyscouldtalk@hotmail.com

Now why didn't I think of that?

As a writer, I have been advised to use quotes sparingly. "Don't tell us what someone else said. If you don't have anything original to say yourself, then don't say anything at all." This is sort of like Thumper (from Bambi) advice. Still, I find wit irresistable. Below are some of my favorite quotes.

"If at first you don't succeed, don't try skydiving."
- t-shirt in Winter Park, CO

"Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair."
- George Burns

"Culture is what your butcher would have if he were a surgeon."
-Mary Pettibone Poole

"The best substitue for experience is being 16."
-Raymond Duncan

"Be yourself is the worst advice you can give some people."
-Tom Masson

Classic, one and all; however, my favorite quote this week belongs to Wendy (Bailey) Crocker ... see below.

Battle of Sicily: Readers Respond

"Tiramisu is by far one of the best desserts...EVER! No sharing. Not even one bite. Try it, and you'll pull back a bloody stump! Ugh ... I'm sounding like Jenny Craig's worst nightmare. - Wendy (Crocker) Bailey


"My wife kissed me at 12:01 AM today ... a gentle reminder that it was our 13th wedding anniversary ... I've had good tiramisu and bad tiramisu." (Here's to the good stuff!) - Jon in Jacksonville, FL

Winning the Battle of Sicily LINK

HEADS UP!
Looking for anyone with a Elmer Fudd cap photo for next week's column!!! Topics I'm stewing over: Yellowstone wolves, cleaning robots, cleaning obsessions, messy eaters, hunting tales. Everyone's got a story. What's yours?


Email me: ifguyscouldtalk@hotmail.com

Winning the Battle of Sicily

At a table for two, young love huddled close, enjoying fine dining and better company. They stared out the window, at the mountain stream rushing over the rocks and let their minds wander. Twice their eyes met ... FULL STORY

The rest of the story:

• SHARING DESSERT?
  Just to clear the air ... Ahem! If I (or anyone else who has developed a taste for tiramiu) EVER want to share, I'll let you know. "I'll just have a bite of yours" ... Dem' be fighten' words.
  
• SETTING
  The Historic Rapids Restaurant and Lodge in Grand Lake, CO. The scene in this week's column is compromised slightly: the Rapids does NOT serve tiramisu. However, Caroline's Cuisine does ... just a hop, skip and a jump down the road.
  Other column featuring "The Rapids"
  
• SICILIAN TIRAMISU
  My 1st & last exposure of "the good stuff" (Sicilian tiramisu) was at the Stagecoach Inn in West Yellowstone, MT. No other tiramisu is even in the same ballpark. The recipe must be a secret ... I can't find it anywhere.
  Tiramisu recipe (sadly, not Sicilian):
  
• Is cooking, truly the way to a man's heart? What's your take?
  
• COMMENT OF THE WEEK:
  Class of 1987 Minot High School alum Wendy (Crocker) Bailey wrote, "Life is too short for half a donut." Touche and amen, sister!
  Last Week's Column
  

ifguyscouldtalk@hotmail.com

Coming Attractions: August - September

PHOTO (left): Mark Abusamra's moose masterpiece, which hangs in my office and is available for sale at the Grand Lake Art Gallery.

"If Guys Could Talk" - the weekly column - is usually posted on Tuesdays, Wenesdays, sometimes Mondays. Here's the upcoming article lineup:

August 5/6: "Winning the Battle of Sicily" - an embellished testamonial RE: the dangers of fine dining

August 12/13: "No Denying the Feng Shui of Mount Baldy" - written particularly for all my North Dakota peeps

August 19/20: TBD ... maybe tatoos, maybe hot soup, maybe McDonald's double cheeseburgers

August 25 (Special Monday edition): "Beware the Spirt of Party" - 2nd installment of my "Taking Back America" series. This article is a follow-up to "Searching for the American Soul" (some readers' favorite column ... see links below).

Sky-Hi Daily News version

Bismarck Tribune version

September 2/3:

"You've Been in Nebraska Too Long When ..." - the other bookend to the Konnie Rask fashion queen story

Konnie Rask Saga - PART I