Year of the Rat in the Rear View Mirror

Y2K IX: Top Three Reflections
(a.k.a. Chawbacon Ramblings):

1. Clearly, I need a good therapist ... so I can have someone to share my dreams with.

2. “Last night, I made Yogurt-Stuffed Three-Cheese Phyllo Triangles,” all you Martha Stewart wannabes tell me, rattling off a dozen ingredients I’ve never heard of, could enunciate or even afford … while I pop another Lean Cuisine frozen cardboard MRE in the microwave. Grrr.

Bottom line: DO NOT cook and tell.

3. A telephone answering machine message with teeth – “Hello? Hello? Anyone there? (keep saying this for 10 seconds; it’s deliciously fun).” If the caller persists, sigh disgustedly, then add, “Look: I’m already losing sleep over my expired car warranty. Where were you guys when I was buying a Yugo?”

Yep, my 2008 was a microcosm of reality: 2 parts philosophy, 1 part epiphany. Hard to argue that any bona fide 2008 Time Capsule should include a gallon $4 gasoline, a lead-based paint toy or two, an updated Jack & Jill nursery rhyme: (Freddie falling, Fannie a-tumbling after) and a smoldering 401K. For me, 2008 was the end of an era, the end of a dream: the Wall Street-day-trader dream. Hey, even a dumb animal like me learns.

As another riveting chapter in life’s fairy tale unfolds in 2009,‘happily ever after’ hangs in the balance. It’s a dangling carrot that I can no longer ignore, an Everest that I must pursue.

Step one: research. After burning half an hour in cyberspace, I hit the mother lode at www.wikihow.com, unlocking the secrets to life’s unsolved mysteries, including how to: ‘look like Anna Kournikova,’ ‘buy girl pants if you’re a guy,’ ‘safely use a public restroom,’ ‘be a ninja spy’ and (how to)‘stop talking about yourself.’

Solid information. The stuff of New Year’s resolutions. But not for me. I’m targeting Pulitzers, syndication, sitcoms in the crosshairs. I tell myself it’s easier than winning the lottery. We’ll see …

The 2008 jury for this column, however, has spoken clearly, saying things like:

“Just out of the blue, in public, I find myself suddenly thinking about that last column of yours and peeing my pants – semi-problematic, but manageable, thanks to my designer catheter handbag.”

Yes, yes. I know: Don’t let it go to my head.

To be perfectly honest, the feedback wasn’t all grins and giggles. One critic accused me of stunting my toddler’s physical and psychological development (because she sneaks sips of my lattes). Another reader swung lower (I’ll spare you the details). And I would be negligent to make no mention of the fallout over a typo (I erroneously called a novel “Praying” instead of “Playing for Pizza”). The lesson? Regardless of topic, writers always offend someone … just steer clear of the Grisham Fan Club if at all possible.

Despite the skepticism, there’s one 2 AM-staring-at-the-ceiling waking dream I can’t shake: making the NY Times Best-Seller List. This is why, in 2009, this column will not appear again in the Sky-Hi Daily News until April, and then make a monthly, not a weekly appearance. The lighter schedule will give me time for growing wild hairs, for chasing dreams, for breathing life into my someday.

But enough about me. Here's to YOUR someday! Let's make this rat lap around the sun count ...

... and thanks for reading.

The REAL Story:

• A Little Music with That Column?
  CLICK HERE
• NY Times Best-Seller ... Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiight!
  The way I see it, its either roll up my sleeves and take a whack at the publishing industry or bore my grandkids with oral, instead of written, tall tales. Here goes nothing. Next Sky-Hi Daily News column: April 2009. Next "Inspire Magazine" column: January 2009 (which I will publish on this blog). Not to worry, I'll still be blogging for those of you who need a fix.
• "Hello? Hello? Hello?" Props
  This phone message comes compliments of a 12-year-old prodigy.
  
• "Semi-problematic, but Manageable" Props
  "Semi-problematic, but manageable" is a direct quote from a reader known only as 'Young Twain' (who violates Reflection 2 with reckless abandon, but actually didn't cop to the catheter-handbag). Most critical accusation of 2008: the "chauvinist" tag. All I could say to the offended reader was, "I am sorry to have offended you."
  
  

Sky-Hi Daily News version: CLICK HERE


email: ifguyscouldtalk@hotmail.com

Wanted: A Simple Mary Ellen Goodnight

Some find security
in knowing that December’s full moon is fading. Others do not …

Goodnight Irene, Saigon, Sweet Darlin’ – all you sipping tea with long-lost relatives, executing superhero duties flawlessly, reliving childhood … all you aboard the REM Sleep Train. It’s pushing 2 a.m. You sleepmongers are getting fat and happy.

Newspaper column link CLICK HERE ... or read on.

Not me. Turns out I’m nocturnal – lying here on the couch, remote in hand, surfing for the Insomnia Channel (which for some reason I think is a PBS affiliate).

As luck would have it, I catch Mary Ellen blitzing John Boy, Elizabeth, Jim-Bob and the rest of the overalls with NyQuil-grade “good nights.”

“Niiiice!” I snap.

My kids stir in their bunk beds at the outburst, then, gradually doze off again.

“C’mon, Mary Ellen. Throw me a bone,” I say, softer this time. As flippant as she is with goodnights, would it kill her to toss one my way? It’s not like I’m trying to squeeze a goodnight kiss out of her, just a simple goodnight for someone who really could use one.

Exhausted, I contemplate a sleeping pill, but stop myself. I have to hit the grind in 4 hours. Too late for a sleeping pill; the zombie risk is too high. If only chamomile tea did something more than exercise my bladder.

Why me? Why tonight? I don’t deserve this. I exercised. I showered. I read (a chapter of Bram Stoker’s “Dracula” … which reminded me to lock the front door). I smoothed the sheets. Fluffed the pillow. Turned off the lights. Relaxed my tongue.

But shortly after closing my eyes, The Bangles concert fired up in my head: “ … the school kids so sick of books, they like the punk and the metal bands. When the buzzer rings, oh-way-oh, they walk like an Egyptian” … 25 words that incite educators, sensible parents, “Dancing with the Stars” addicts and all of Egypt. Twenty-five words and a voodoo-like melody that encroached upon my sanity from 10:30 p.m. until 1:50 a.m. when, finally, I threw off the covers, found the CD and torched it in the fireplace.

Now, as if on cue, Mary Ellen appears.

“Goodnight, Mary Ellen,” I say, turning her off, turning on the lamp and finding “Dracula” again. Like me, he’s a night owl. Like me, he fancies himself in a cape. Like me, he doesn’t like to be disturbed when sleeping. The coincidences are sobering.

Like Dracula, I never bought that Ben Franklin “early to bed, early to rise” crap. If boot camp hours are bliss, why then do most heart attacks occur in the a.m. shortly after the alarm clock jolts the Sleeping Beauty in us? And why do roosters taste like chicken?

I wander to the bathroom, hit the light and search for meaning in the mirror. My un-dead reflection stares back, looking anemic, iron-deficient, like I need a red meat transfusion … or a Geritol tablet. But it’s chicken, not steak on the brain at 2 a.m. Why? Before I can connect the dots, the poultry pangs give way to something stronger … the urge to Google Mary Ellen.

What happens next is fuzzy — images of a suffocating mist, boxes of unclean earth, releasing the hounds. Sometime later – how long I don’t know – the alarm clock pierces the fog and echoes down the hallway. Why is Mary Ellen on my computer monitor? Why do my house slippers have mud on them? And why am I clutching a blood sausage?

Disturbing, but something tells me I don't want to know. Besides, it's time to get ready for work.

Minutes later, I cut my neck shaving. The sight of blood triggers something: a simultaneous dreading and yearning for the night, the full moon, my primordial self. I notice my reflection in the mirror; the fact that I still have one is comforting.

Mary Ellen is safe … for now.

On my way out the door, I open the freezer. The chicken thighs jump out at me. That’s dinner, I decide, tossing the package into the sink to thaw. After dinner, after sinking my incisors into dark meat, I promise myself a long, hot shower. Hopefully, that does the trick. I better nod off tonight before Mary Ellen stiffs me again at 2 a.m., or heaven help us all ... even if the moon is half-empty.

The REAL Story:

• A Little Music with that Column?
  CLICK HERE
  
  
• Duh-Nuh-Nuh-Nuh-Nuh-Nuh ("Waltons" theme song)
  Born in '69, my memories of the Waltons are sparse: John Boy's mole, his secretive journals and, of course, all those "goodnights."
  
  
• Bram Stoker's Masterpiece
  As a rule, I DO NOT partake in the horror genre. However, the storytelling of "Dracula" and the character development is second to none. I picked up a $2 copy at a second-hand store, expecting a chapter or two of amusement. It did not disappoint. Seventy pages of amusement, giving way to compelling, and ending with a bang. Most fascinating: the good guys hunting Dracula, unraveling the mystery of the "un-dead."
  
  
• Tribute to Strolling Tunes
  My 2 favs: The Bangles' "Walk Like an Egyptian," Katrina & the Waves' "Walking on Sunshine." Honorable mention: Johnny Cash's "Walk the Line." But why walk when you can "Jump?"
  

email: ifguyscouldtalk@hotmail.com

A Slice of Inspiration: the Welk Outhouse (Just off to Your Left)

On the 12th day of Christmas, OPEC gave to me cheap gasoline. The $1.69-a-gallon carrot is being dangled, saying, “It’s safe for you SUVs to come out now and claim your lost summer vacation.” But with a fledgling economy, takers will, no doubt, pinch pennies … which brings us to soapbox Issue No. 10: visiting childhood homes of celebrities.

This train wreck always lurks between rest stops: You’re driving along, destroying dental work with Corn Nuts, washing it down ... FULL STORY

The REAL Story:

• A Little Song & Dance with that Column?
  CLICK HERE
  
  
• "A One and a Two and ..."
  Yep. I've driven past the Welk home ... more than once. Proud to say I was never sucked in. Nothing personal. As the article suggests, it's the principle of the matter ... I'm waaaaay too protective of my wallet.
  
  
• Taking Swipes at the Tour Guide
  Confession: I wouldn't mind being your tour guide for one day, then writing about it.
  
  
• Tossing Dad's Socks out the Window
  Guilty. Dad marched me outside, pointed to the polyester pile and said, "How did that get there?" He didn't buy the 'ol gust-o-wind-blew-them-out-the-window routine. My whoopin' that day was epic.
  
  
• Orbit Maui Melon Mint Gum
  Try it now and be forever changed. Really, really.
  
  

email: ifguyscouldtalk@hotmail.com

No More Bedtime: Sending Kids to the Freezer Instead

Found: happy place.
Theme song: M.C. Hammer’s “Can’t Touch This.”

“I love you,” I told my 3-year-old, grabbed her face, then smooched both cheeks Italian style.

She giggled, leapt into my chest, squeezed with all four limbs and whispered, “I love you more."

“Awww,” friends with teenagers say, before taking whacks at my toddler bliss with adolescent horror stories – texting, not talking, My Space, video game hangovers, shrink-wrapped clothes, body piercing.

“You’ll come home from work one day, your little angel will bat her eyes at daddy, empty your wallet and total your car while trolling for boyfriends,” they cackle.

“Buh … buh … buh .. buh-oyfriends?”

Thus began the nightmares:

She brings the leech home. He’s all smoke and mirrors: clean cut, dripping with body spray, the personality of a rice cake. Too obtuse to read my vibe, he stays for dinner: steak and potatoes. He wants it well done.

“Your college major?” I ask at the dinner table.

“Journalism,dad,” my princess answers for him. “He’s a writer … just like you. He’s brilliant.”

Brilliant? It’s a word she has never used to describe my writing – the writing that filled her belly, put a roof over her head, paid for her manicures, her designer handbags and her evil iPhone. Brilliant strikes a nerve.

Boy Wonder smiles, nods and, in raptures, shoves another $0.30 of charred meat down his esophogus. The urge to wipe the ‘this-could-be-the-beginning-of-something-beautiful’ look from his face is palpable.

“Delicious,” he says.

“Delicious” breaks my “brilliant” trance. Delicious? That’s the best Little Lord Hemmingway could muster after swallowing half my cow? Not succulent, epicurean, nectarous, titillating? I’m thinking journalism is a line – a vile plan to infiltrate the family.

Under the guise of a bathroom break, I excuse myself, slap water on my face and do some deep breathing exercises – returning to the kitchen in time to hear my daughter say, “Go ahead. Take it. Dad doesn’t need that.”

Are my eyes deceiving me? Is that leech actually removing the chocolate cake from my plate? My chocolate cake?

“Try that again and you’ll pull back a bloody stump,” I snap, picking up a steak knife and waiving it.

While I clear the table, he snatches my remote, sits on the couch waaaaaay too close to my daughter, surfs the channels and finds Paris Hilton. I suffer the offense by biting my lip.

“Come here, dad. Tell us what you think of the first chapter of his novel,” she says during the commercial.

“A novel? Really?” I’m almost impressed.

Within 3 sentences, I’m sucking air, digesting scenes inspired by the movie “Saw,” no longer underwhelmed. There, sitting not 10 feet from me, in my own living room, picking burnt meat from his teeth, ogling my daughter (I swear, if she uses the word “fate” and his name in the same sentence one more time, I’ll lock her up in the nunnery until death do us part) is the seed of Dracula, Edgar Allen Poe’s protégé: my future son-in-law.

That’s when I awake, baseball bat in hand, drenched in sweat.

I cope by Googling ‘cryogenically freezing toddlers’ every month or so – hoping science will throw me a bone. It’s my only hope: Thawing out the kids on my days off, sending them to the freezer instead of bed – delaying adolescence as long as possible. Maybe Dr. Frankenstein could make it happen … and take out Little Hemmingway while he’s at it.

The REAL Story:

• A Little Music with that Column?
  CLICK HERE
  
  
• Hammertime!
  I am NOT a big rap music fan, but Hammer's 'Can't Touch This' brings out the bad dancer in me. My friend Shawn Hammes ... a.k.a. "Hammertime" pays the price. When his name pops up on caller ID, I answer, "Hey, Can't Touch This. Whazzup?"
  
  
• The Maddie Python Hug
  No lie. All 4 limbs. Big, heart-piercing squeeze. Then she finishes me off with her blue eyes. No one has to tell me: I am one lucky daddy.
  
  
• The "Saw" - "Bloody Stump" References
  Every "Saw" reference reminds me of one of my all-time favorite characters (and best friends) - the unforgettable Chad Reisenauer of "Honey, I painted the bedroom walls black" lore. "Bloody stump" comes compliments of classmate Wendy Crocker Bailey.
  
  
• What's with Dracula?
  I picked up a $2 copy of Bram Stoker's masterpiece at a second-hand store in Fraser, Colorado. I thought I'd read a couple chapters for kicks. Surprisingly, I find myself wildly captivated.
  

email: ifguyscouldtalk@hotmail.com

You Got Your Soup Face On?

It’s that time of year again: soup time. The living dead (among us) have survived another Black Friday free-for-all, and the all-you-can-eat turkey noodle soup lovefest is suddenly ... FULL STORY

The REAL Story:

• Good Tomato Basil Trips (to Date)
  Notable tomato basil hot spots: The Walrus (Bismarck, ND), The Rapids (Grand Lake, CO) and The Sagebrush (Grand Lake, CO). DO NOT under any circumstance buy canned tomato basil. Been there, done that. Lived to tell about it ... but just barely.
  
  
• Sneaking into MENSA
  Yeah, right. My IQ is only 140. According to a recent free, online test, I'm smarter than the president. Maybe. Maybe not. I know I'm not bright enough to be the water boy at any sanctioned MENSA event.
  
  
• Regarding Nasty Films
  Am I the only one who ever had to eat water-based tomato soup? The only survivor? Surely some other poor soul has a Campbell's war story or two.
  
  
• A Little Music with That Column?
  CLICK HERE
  
  

email: ifguyscouldtalk@hotmail.com

Odds & Ends

Dunno when it began, but I've always had a "thang" for a good story, a pithy phrase, an amusing word. I call it "the good stuff," and when somebody else wrote it, I am seized with writer's jealousy ... like D.C. Talk's - "Thinking of a way to explain-o, 'cause you know that I'm flowing like a bottle of Drain-o."

But the good stuff, the magic, surrounds us all - in cyberspace chats, in songs, in coversations overheard at Starbucks. Like Neil Diamond said, "It's the rhythm of life." So start writing it down all you wannabe novelists. I have. Here are a few nuggets from my growing word/phrase list:

• 24-hour surprise
• bottom feeder
• old charms
• meat-ax approach
• trolling for
• scruple
• suffered the offense with a ....

Got a word list of your own? Do tell! Mine has guided me through writer's block and helped make ordinary columns something better.

The Danger of Diner Napkins and Long Showers

Somebody missed the memo: the one explaining that by now, at the dawn of midlife, my imaginary coffee shop - called "Coffee Snobs," "Cuppajos" or some other pithy revelation - should be what I call "the office." That RIGHT NOW, I should be ... FULL STORY


The REAL Story:

• The Brilliance of Coffee Snobs
  As far as I know, the term "coffee snobs" was first coined by Emily McKay. She graciously permitted me to use it some time ago in in one of my first column's.
  
  
• Someday: the American Dream
  Maybe my someday is not in the cards, and I DO worry about the future me ... if and when the dream finally dies. IF and WHEN that happens, there is a silver lining: it should keep a therapist or two in the black for quite some time.
  
  
• Jelly Belly Bubble Gum
  I DID make that call. I was put on hold forever. I'm sooo DONE with corporate America ... the publishing industry excepted.
  
  
• The Simon Cowell Take
  Can you picture "Idol" without him? I can't. I wouldn't even bother watching.
  
  
• A Little Music with that Column?
  CLICK HERE for this week's theme song
  
  

Email: ifguyscouldtalk@hotmail.com

Dr. F.E. Minist Chimes In

Be thankful for a clean bill of health and good health care. Many would gladly suffer the momentary sting of a shot, the gritty deposit after a teeth cleaning, and even donning those ugly optometrist paper sunglasses. Uninsured stats (according to the CDC): 40 million Americans, including 10 percent of children. Got health care? If so, stop whining about a poke in the arm and be grateful that you don't have to choose between paying the doctor or paying for food.

- Dr. F.E. Minist
- Photo by JuLee Brand

Dr. Watch Your Back: Readers Respond

Too many comments to post this week. Suffice it to say we ALL piled on in the afterglow of the "helping professions" bashfest. Below are just two voices who got in on the action:

"What's scarier than going to the doctor or dentist? Healthcare insurance. Making sure the doctors are "in network" and procedures are "covered." Otherwise count on a lame excuse why the insurance provider won't pay."
- Wicked Wendy, Sharpest Tongue in the North




"I'll say this: latrophobia is not your only problem."
- Chad, the Norwegian Moose Expert



Manly Man's Diet Update: I began at 183 pounds. I weighed myself again today after eating a McDonald's Southern Style Chicken Sandwich (not on the approved food list). Result: still under 170. However, I AM exercising almost daily now.

email me: ifguyscouldtalk@hotmail.com

Dr. You-Better-Watch-Your-Back

It’s step one: admitting the problem. So, here goes: Iatrophobia. There. I said it. That’s my problem … fear of going to the doctor. Before you tell me to “suck it up,” call me a wimp and fling the Book of Macho at me, consider this ... FULL STORY

The REAL Story:

• Your 1st Childhood Memory
  It's true, mine was a nightmare. I recently conducted an informal survey of 10 people, asking them if their first memory was good or bad. Answer: 5 good, 5 bad. Most had their first memory at the age of 3.
  
  
• RE: Dentists and Optometrists
  Lately, my luck has changed for the better, thanks to Silk's Dental Hygiene and Winter Park Optical (both in Winter Park, Colo.). Last time I left the dentist, my bib didn't even have blood on it and they told me my gums were improving (I think someone missed the "don't forget to scare the crap out of him memo"). Last eye exam, I even talked the good doctor out of shooting air in my eye.
  
  
• History Repeats Itself
  Even if, personally, I didn't have a bad rap with the helping professions, history tells us that they used to bleed people, saw off limbs, prescribe laxatives for almost any ailment. Today's doctors/surgeons still occasionally amputate the wrong limb or "accidentally" drop a surgical instrument somewhere under the skin before sewing up patients. Yikes!
  
  
• A Little Music with That Column?
  CLICK HERE for this week's theme song.

email: ifguyscouldtalk@hotmail.com

Dr. F.E. Minist Chimes In

“The best thing I have is the knife from Fatal Attraction. I hung it in my kitchen. It's my way of saying, Don't mess with me.” - Glenn Close

Feminist or not, women take pride in their homes. After all, the majority of the housework and cooking is STILL done by women. For those who like to cook, they are often very particular about their kitchen and their cooking utensils, they also consider the kitchen their territory. Coming home after a long day in the rat race and finding one's domain defaced and one's tools being mishandled can ... and WILL send any sensible woman over the edge. The best intentions can often be ruined when we fail to consider needs and expectations of our partners. Just as Mary doesn't want a dead dear in her kitchen being hacked up with her good knives, her husband probably doesn't want to find that Mary decided to use his hot glue gun to bedazzle the six-point rack.

- Dr. F.E. Minist
- photo by JuLee Brand

Oops! Dialing 9-1-1 ... with Regrets

If Mary's life were ethically cloned, sectioned, quartered and packaged for public consumption, no one would envy the individual parts. But with platinum blond hair, real fingernails, perfect eyebrows and a killer... FULL STORY

The REAL Story:

• Something About Mary
  Mary is the legendary Stick-Girl - eater of 1/2 a donut, able to call half a crouton a meal.Though the Mary in this story is not Stick Girl, Stick Girl DID feed me this story. For that, I am indebted. I am always on the prowl for something print-worthy.
  
  
• Something About Bank Tellers
  Some of the nicest people I have ever met, are bank tellers, especially the bank tellers at U.S. Bank in Granby. The free Friday cookies are also a crowd-pleaser. I always wonder if good customer service reps get tired of smiling, tired of being nice. The good ones will never admit it. CLICK HERE for one of my all-time favorite stories about a bank teller. Special thanks to Carolyn LaFavers, my financial guru, a former banker, for the inside scoop on the Dum Dums.
  
  
• One Thing About Knives
  Ben Franklin, perhaps, said it best: "There was never a good knife made out of bad steel." Funny. Charming, but personally, I'm more of a John Adams kind of guy.
  
  
• A Little Music with that Column
  CLICK HERE for this week's theme song.
  
  

ifguyscouldtalk@hotmail.com

Dr. F.E. Minist Chimes In

"I have a rule when I weigh myself: if I've gained, I starve myself for the rest of the day, but if I've lost, I starve too." – Anonymous quote from an Anorexic.

Throughout my life, I have been in contact with many individuals who suffer from eating disorders, from close friends to students in my classes. While we often associate eating disorders with simply the desire to look a certain way, they are actually about control. For many individuals, food is used a mechanism to control other forms of stress and anxiety in their lives.

Because of this, the idea of being sick to lose weight can be a theme for individuals with eating disorders or other body image issues.

It is perfectly normal to reach a point in your life where you need to lose weight or want to get in to shape. If you are having trouble with this, work with a professional to create a diet and exercise plan. Starving yourself will ultimately cause more harm than good. If you know someone who truly believes that being thinner will make them feel better about themselves, be a true friend and work to get them help.

- Dr. F.E. Minist
- photo by JuLee Brand

Manly Man's Diet: Readers Respond

"We should really see if this diet works on a woman...my menopausal body has gotten so used to sitting that my feet, back, shoulders and neck get sore just a short stroll over to the kitchen...I spend enormous amounts of time think of the benefits of exercise, eating well and oh, I really should stop smoking...my son says things like..."remember when you were skinny?" Do I!!!" - Queen Carla (Minnesota)

"I'm going to Starbucks tomorrow: White Chocolate Mocha venti.. all the fat and whip you can cram into the cup please. And before I take that first sip I will toast your "Man Diet"...laugh my best evil laugh...and sip away. Nummmmy! If you want to go on a real manly man's diet try this on for size. Get pregnant...find out you have terrible morning sickness...vomit at any food (Dinty Moore was the worst and when I say food, I include dog food in the comment too) commercials for 3 months. With that plan, you can lose a whopping 40 pounds even after you give birth to a 7 pound kid! - Wicked Wendy Bailey



"I'm not willing to get sick for a new diet ... However, I can try the sleep deprivation. I'll get back to you in a few weeks." - Jon in Jacksonville

The Manly Man's Diet Plan

New game show idea:
"Home Remedy Survivor." Viewers can play along at home, like I did as a kid. My father, concoctor of the vilest elixirs ever manufactured without a Hazmat suit, would, of course, be the host. A man of the cloth by trade, I am living proof that he missed his true calling ... FULL STORY

The REAL Story:

• The Wonders of Revlon Lipstick
  Bismarck, ND reader Michael Bain shared this "home remedy" ... one his mother was prescribed (by his grandmother) after visiting the dentist.
  
• The Manly Man's Diet Plan
  No yellow journalism in this column. I just dipped below 170 pounds for the first time in ... like ... forever. Dunno why, but when channel surfing, I frequently catch a few minutes of diet shows. My favorite: Paul McKenna's "I Can Make You Thin."
  
• Punishing a Wad of Chewing Gum.
  I highly recommend Orbit Maui Melon Mint.
  
• A Little Music with that Column?
  CLICK HERE for this week's theme song.
  

ifguyscouldtalk@hotmail.com

Dr. F.E. Minist Chimes In

"Men don't know much about women. We do know when they're happy. We know when they're crying, and we know when they're pissed off. We just don't know in what order these are gonna' come at us." - Evan Davis

I don’t completely agree with this quote, but it is true that many women show emotions, which can, in some cases, be unacceptable.

In many societies, crying is taboo for men. What boy didn’t hear “big boys don’t cry,” “crying is for sissies,” or “I’ll give you something to cry about?” How sad is that? Crying can be medicine.

For women, showing negative emotion, specifically anger, is rarely acceptable. Girls are told to “be nice,” “be more ladylike.” Anger points to something internal, skeptics say - something uncontrollable, something biological. Therefore, society says women (especially in the corporate world) are not supposed to cry (a sign of weakness) ... and heaven forbid if they get angry (the B word).

But what is a human being minus emotion? If we all could show it without being judged, happiness would surely follow. For more information on gender and emotion, check out: http://findarticles.com/p/articles/mi_m2294/is_1_40/ai_54250822

- Dr. F.E. Minist
- Photo by JuLee Brand

Beware the Gateway Movie

For many hardcore movie buffs, "The Wizard of Oz" tops the list of all-time cinematic blockbusters. Others give "Gone with the Wind" the nod. Not me. My favorite blockbuster for 2 decades was "Star Wars" (which I saw at the age of 7). Was, I say, until recently ... FULL STORY

The REAL Story:

• Jane (Austen) on the Brain
  Yep. Still guilty. Reading "Persuasion" now, and, for the record, it is NOT as engaging as "Sense and Sensibility" and "Pride and Prejudice." Next up: "Emma" ... methinks.
  
• Lump-in-the-Throaters
  I'm guilty of lumping on all 5 movies listed in this article ... AND, of course, the play "You are a Good Man Charlie Brown."
  
• Over-the-Top Lump-in-the-Throaters
  Occasionally, Hollywood makes a movie so well, so realistic, so depressing, that I will NEVER watch it again, unless forced. For me, this includes: "The Color Purple," "Saving Private Ryan," "Schindler's List," and "Castaway."
  
• A Little Music with that Column?
  CLICK HERE
  
• Sign Up Here for the Good Stuff
  If you'd like the weekly column emailed to you, let me know at the email address below. Also ... check out my Facebook page by querying "Rob Taylor columnist" ... I'm the dude with the killer mullet. Free mugs & t-shirts for all fan club members when I get rich.

ifguyscouldtalk@hotmail.com

Dr. F.E. Minist Chimes In

Being a woman is a terribly difficult task, since it consists principally in dealing with men. ~Joseph Conrad

Good relationships are based on equality. Of course individual perceptions of equality vary greatly. Is taking care of the outside chores equal to taking care of the inside chores? Why is one parent a caretaker and the other a babysitter when it comes to having the kids alone? Why does one person get waited on hand and foot when they are sick and the other person still manages to take care of everyone else first before themselves when they are sick? Who hasn't "milked" it a bit from time to time? I know many of my mother to be friends have! Only you can answer these questions based on your needs and experiences. And I certainly urge you to examine the equality in your relationship. For me personally, I have to say, if I had the chance to lay on the couch, watch the Bronco's play and get a 3-hour back rub, I would certainly say that equalizes a few things!

- Dr. F.E. Minist
- Photo by JuLee Brand

Football & Backrub: Readers Respond

"Gee, I sure hope the pain subsides ... someday. Enjoy that TV!"
- New England Rambler



"Holy crap, Batman! I never even saw that one coming. Who woulda thunk that the perfect husband crap would pay off like that? A 50-inch plasma? Suddenly, MY life is 'forever altered'."
- Dude Who Knows Better Than to State His Name



"Wow! Some story. Hit by a Hummer? Just between us guys, I would like to ask him if he is still feeling the pain ... really."
- Joe for President





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Football & a Backrub? Somebody Pinch Me

Found: the perfect husband. He does dishes. He makes tight beds. He vacuums and mops, sort of (using cleaning robots). He regularly attacks showers and toilets with latex gloves, bleach, Comet and Pop-Up Wipes. He does it all: cooking included. And, although he wouldn't voluntarily broach the subject, he has watched "You've Got Mail" and "Return to Me" more than once ... FULL STORY

The REAL Story:

• The Perfect Husband?
  A flawed concept to be sure, but if there is one, methinks it is my man Jon Braun. He truly DOES rub his wife's back during football games. The extent of which (if at all) he is milking his injury is a matter of debate.
  
  
• The Perfect Omelet
  Begins with the perfect non-stick pan: calphalon or one of its cheaper cousins. Pan must be heated thoroughly, greased with REAL butter on medium to medium-high. Add ingredients: 3 whisked grade A extra large eggs mixed with 2 tablespoons of milk, pepper bacon, Romano tomatoes, green onions, fresh basil, salt and sharp cheddar cheese. Important: keep pan moving while cooking. Flip omelet when no longer runny ... folding it like a taco. Recipe compliments of Chi-Town Cuppajo.
  
  
• Most Accidents Happen 5 Miles or Less from Home
  At least that's what carinsurance.com alleges. Jon's happened less than 20 feet from his front door.
  
  
• Wake Up! It's Lunchtime
  Before entering the Naval Academy, Jonno worked the convenience store graveyard shift: 11 PM - 7 AM. After work, he drove home, slept, set the alarm for noon, woke up for his mother's home-cooked lunch, then went back to bed. "What can I say? I like to eat," he said.
  
  
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Inspirational Peanuts: Readers Respond

"LOVE the Peanuts holiday shows: The Great Pumpkin...the sad little Christmas tree... and that familiar song Schroeder played while all of the Peanuts gang danced. Even though I'm pushing 40, I still become a kid when I watch the shows. And, with my girls now ages 15 and 11, I also can see Pigpen in my kids...and their rooms, Linus when they sleep with their blankies and Lucy when they're oogling over that certain crush or hit a mood swing. Maybe Peanuts wasn't so much for entertainment purposes but to educate us on different personalities and how to all play nice together." - Wicked Wendy

"What's better than to watch an NFL Monday Night Football game with the reigning undefeated NY Giants getting beat by the struggling Cleveland Browns?? I didn't watch a single play ... my 7 year old asked me to read her a book ... having her fall asleep on my shoulder as I read her the "Dinosaurs before dark" is much better than any football game ... even the Superbowl! I agree with you Rob on the "Desperately Seeking Inspirational Peanuts" theme ... however ... my favorite comic strip growing up was "Beetle Bailey". Maybe I felt related to "Private Bailey" or maybe it was "Camp Swampy". So far you are batting 1000 ... your articles are World Series Material ... when you get syndicated please don't rename the title to "Dear Rob". - Jon in Jacksonville

Desperately Seeking Inspirational Peanuts

Every day for half a lifetime, in black and white Monday through Saturday and in living color on Sundays, the magic of Charles Schultz landed on our front door steps, was savored between bites of cereal, and ultimately took up residence in our hearts ...
FULL STORY (10/14/08)

The REAL Story:

• The Dao of Peanuts
  Shultz's masterpiece was, perhaps, heavier on philosophy than slapstick humor ... Charlie Brown soliciting Lucy for psychiatric help, brick wall conversations with Linus, and, of course, happiness being defined as "a warm puppy." Peanuts brought out the child in all of us - that innocent, beautiful ankle-biter that still hopes, still dreams, tries to make sense of an impossible world and never gives up.
  
  
• Regarding Theater ... Nothing Personal
  I'm more of a movie guy. I would, however, if given the opportunity, go see "You're a Good Man, Charlie Brown" again and again, and find myself making frequent references to Charles Schultz. I suspect that I might also enjoy two plays that I have never seen: "The Lion King" and "Cats."
  
  
• Dear Abby Delusions
  Yes, I admit it. I would LOVE Abby's job. One hiccup that I forsee: my advice would definitely be laced with a lethal dose of sarcasm and wit. Not holding my breath on being offered the gig .... if only. *Sigh*
  
  
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Dr. F.E. Minist Chimes In

There is no shortage of quotes and misquotes about anti-family feminists. Yes, there ARE people living among us who oppose marriage and children, but most do not. Truth is: not everyone has the luxury of a traditional nuclear family - something feminists acknowledge. Throughout our lives the definition of family changes and grows - e.g. traditional families, extended families, step families, adopted families, friends' families, even support groups. Regardless of the definition, having people to turn to when you need support, love, advice and guidance is vital. No matter how we identify ourselves as humans, it is important to open our hearts and be a positive part of someone's family.
- Dr. F.E. Minist, Women's Rights Expert
- Photo by JuLee Brand

Godsent: Reader Response

There are so many movies that employ that theme of "if I could only go back and relive that time", (too many to mention here, for sure). But I would have to say, repeating ANY part of my junior high or high school years would not be at the top of my list of things to do if I had a time machine at my disposal. Bravo to Nick for finding and appreciating the silver lining in the storm clouds of his past and inspiring us all with his story. Peace. - FazeHer, the Desert Rose

Reader's Response of the Week

They are all around you if you look. Sometimes it isn't that hard to spot ... like a turtle crossing the road ... do you swerve and drive on or do you pull over and help. The "littluns" and "Piggys" (characters from Lord of the Flies) of our society get run over and squished all the time. You can be that British Naval Officer at the end of the book/movie that shakes the boys from what they were engulfed in "the darkness of a man's heart". It is possible to change society and stand up for what is just and right. We can be that Officer ... get your commission from God and he will show you your mission each day. - Bustin' a Gut in the Bayou


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