Discovering Your Thirst Pain

Every artist has a muse. Dave’s was dead poultry – brought to life by a Weber grill, a 400-degree flame, a commercial-grade spatula and a little Springsteen in the background (sometimes the “Xanadu” soundtrack if the guys weren’t around). Almost every weekend ... FULL STORY

The REAL Story:

• You CAN'T be Serious!
  The real "pitcher incident" occurred during Superbowl XLI: Bears vs. Colts. While I was munching on a bowl of Doritos, the pitcher made its initial rounds, and the pitcher-barer (who's identity I cannot reveal) actually fell asleep ... DURING the game! I held my tongue and did not to question his manhood.
  
• Shawn: Fact or Fiction
  Shawn Hammes is flesh and blood, the real deal. His big screen TV did actually break down. He, alone (perhaps), read the infamous "water book" and could NOT shut up about it. In addition to reading, Shawn cops to liking the movie "The Breakfast Club" (an undeniable chick flick), the Minnesota Vikings and long weekends.


• This Week's Theme Song
  If you need music to accompany your to-die-for hot wings,CLICK HERE. Note the chick magnet 60s duds and doos.
  
• I'll Take Classic Lit for $600, Alex
  When I bury my nose in a book, more often than not it is classic literature: Sherlock Holmes, Robin Hood, Tales of 'O Henry. Recently, I have immersed myself in one literary master's (who wrote ca. 1800 and who's character development is second to none) works ... who inspired the phrases "rapturous delight" and "suffered the offense with ..." Can you name that author?
  
• Hot Thighs Recipe
  My recipe ... admittedly not as good as Dave's (I don't know the secret sauce)
  1 - fire up grill to 400 degrees
  2 - skin thighs and place face down in a canola oil-greased cookie sheet
  3 - put thighs face down on grill for 7 - 10 min., then flip for 20 minutes
  4 - saturate thighs with hot wing sauce (any brand will do)
  5 - cook for 5 minutes, then serve with celery sticks & ranch dressing
  NOTE: serve with Corona beer, Fat Tire Amber Ale or Long Island Iced Tea
  
• Hot Thigh Recipe 2
  1 - slice meat off bone and drizzle with MORE hot wing sauce
  2 - steam rice with cilantro in a rice cooker (2 cups water, 1 cup rice)
  3 - dice green onions and celery
  4 - mix 1 tablespoon of butter in with each bowl you serve
  5 - top with celery, onions and thigh meat
  YUM, YUM! Serve with Corona beer, Fat Tire Amber Ale or Long Island Iced Tea


• Hot Thigh Recipe 3
  1 - put equal portions of cilantro rice, hot thigh meat and black beans in a burrito-sized tortilla.
  2 - add diced green onions, celery and cheese (of your choice)
  3 - drizzle with green salsa and lime juice
  4 - serve with Corona beer, Fat Tire Amber Ale or Long Island Iced Tea
  
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• Desperately Seeking ...
  LOL, ROF, PMP funny holiday stories. What's yours?

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Dr. F.E. Minist Chimes In

"I am woman! I am invincible! I am pooped!" ~Author Unknown.

As great as this country and its people are, we need to face the fact that sometimes American's have it wrong. A huge portion of us - women and men -are caught up in the idea that we have to and can do everything. We work our 40+ hours per week (often working through lunches and into the evening). We attend all our kids activities. We volunteer. We are there for families and friends. We work out and, quite frankly, we are exhausted.

Our attempts to do "everything" has serious side effects - obesity, antidepressants now the #1 US prescription drug, increased TV viewing ... and, perhaps most troubling, each technological breakthrough minimizes the need for verbal communication. Yet, so many of us are "fine." Guess what? Fine isn't good enough. Go home, turn your TV off, play with your child outside, eat ice cream and actually work to be happy!

- Dr. F.E. Minist, Women's Studies Expert
- PHOTO by JuLee Brand

How Ya' Do-in': Readers Respond

"My hound has a major sweet tooth, too; if something "sweet" spills on the floor, he is right there. I could throw a raw steak down and he might glance at it as he snarfs the sweet stuff ... I would like to be Giana today. Do you have a magic wand? Zap me!"
- FazeHer, the 24-Hour Arizona Surprise


"LOVED the part about eating a Weight Watchers lunch with chopsticks."
- Chi-Town Cuppajo



"Inspired, yesterday I made myself a PB&J sandwich. Someone at work today asked, "How are you doing?" "Great!" I replied ... and meant it."
- Jon in Jacksonville

Desperately Seeking ....
LOL, ROF, PMP funny holiday stories. What's yours?


ifguyscouldtalk@hotmail.com

How Ya' DO-in' ... Really?

It’s the stuff of fortune cookies, a nickel’s worth of psychiatric help and any noteworthy call to war: seizing the day. When’s the last time you did?

Been a while for me, but I remember what it looks like, thanks to Tuffy, a Boston Terrier with vision.

My landlord and I walked in on his creation one day ... FULL STORY

The Real Story:

• Playing Sock with a Boston Terrier
  Tuffy would clamp on to one end of a tube sock, and I would lift him off the ground by the other. THEN - suspended in the air - he would violently shake his head. Boston Terriers are often referred to as the "American Gentlemen" of dogs due to their pleasant personalities. I can't argue that. Tuffy loved to play sock, eat table scraps and snuggle up next to you on the couch for an ear scratch. I loved that dog.
  
• The Sugar Canister Incident
  Really happened. I ran down to the basement for an unrestrained chuckle, while my landlord screamed in anger and performed a room-to-room Tuffy hunt. When she found him shaking under the bed, she gave a spirited lecture (including a finger wagging) about his misdeeds and the sanctity of the kitchen.
  
• Who's that Girl .... Gianna?
  I have been sworn to secrecy. However, beware those who claim to have attained perfection.
  
• Shenanigan Reality Check: True or False
  Taco Bell - true. Camera borrowing - true. Fortune cookie routine - true (NOTE: fortune cookies are a recurring theme ... click here). However, these antics cannot be attributed solely to one person.
  
• How Ya' DO-in .... REALLY
  This story originally featured Granby, CO llama-owner Gretchen Reynolds, the inspiration behind the famous "bedsheets" column. Gretchen just smoked me this past week in fantasy football ... GRRRR. Gretchen is "marvelous" every day, except the day her McDonald's double cheeseburger lunch was late in arriving. In this article, I decided to focus on Gianna, Miss "Perfect", instead of Miss "Marvelous."
  
• Join the Club
  If you would like this link emailed to you every week, give me a shout at ifguyscouldtalk@hotmail.com. And feel free to look me up on Facebook ... query "Rob Taylor columnist" ... I'm the dude with the killer mullet.
  
• Weekly Blog Lineup
  Friday - Readers Respond
  Saturday - Dr. F.E. Minist
  Saturday - Wicked Wendy
  

Wicked Wendy Chimes In

"My house is messy enough to live in and clean enough to be healthy. That's good enough for me but not for my husband. He thinks he does a great job of cleaning but he just straightens. For the deep down clean...I avoid ulcers by hiring a maid. Life's too short."
- "Wicked" Wendy Crocker Bailey



ifguyscouldtalk@hotmail.com

Dr. F.E. Minist Chimes In

"Housework can't kill you, but why take the chance?" Phyllis Diller. There is an abundance of research that shows that women do most of the household labor and that marriage and children increases this work. However, research is also showing that men are chipping in more than ever before; however, no where near what women do. But, I am not going to solely blame the men for this and here is why. For many women it is an issue of control, being able to make things the way they want them is important and this is one area they can control. For other women they don't think their significant others can or will do as good as job so they tend to do it themselves. For those who do say that there significant others don't help out at all, you need to step up and delegate! Just because aspects of our society imply women are in charge of the domestic front, it doesn't mean things have to be that way. There is no excuse for one of the two partners, who both have full time responsibilities, to sit in front of the television or computer while the other one works. If you are truly in that situation, I would strongly suggest storing that mop in a location other than the closet!

- Dr. F.E. Minist, Women's Study Expert
(photo by JuLee Brand)

Readers Respond: Germaphobes & Starbucks

"Soooo funny!!! I LOVED the .....hail damage on my butt and the insurance company won't return my call posting!!!!!!! The Starbucks column had me howling!"
- Ellen, Master Teacher of the Prairie

"Reminds me of the USA Network character "Monk" - who is the poster child for living a "99.9 percent germ-free life". People that like to clean have a special trait that many (like myself) have a hard time applying to our lives. We struggle daily to take out the trash or keep the kitchen free of dirty dishes." - Bustin' a Gut in the Bayou


Alternate Ending
Suzie, in Phoenix, one of the Germaphobes who inspired this story, preferred the alternative ending (which I could not publish due to a 700 word limit). Taking Suzie's advice, here is the alternative ending (picking up right after you read the doctor's note):


... The next morning, he (Joy's husband) kicked her out of the house. At 10 AM, while she hovered over a latte and read a magazine at the corner Starbucks, he swept, mopped and vacuumed without complaint.


“What a nice surprise,” Joy said with a less-than-sincere smile. That afternoon, when he went to the hardware store, she cleaned the floors again until she heard the familiar squeak. Her husband caught her in the act, mop in hand. He threatened to tell her doctor.


Instead, he resorted to Plan B. One week later, he waived 2 Michael Bolton concert tickets in her face, cleared his throat, grabbed the broom handle and belted out “When a Man Loves a Germaphobe.” When the laughter subsided, he handed her a shopping bag. Gift-wrapped inside were 2 robots: a vacuum cleaner and a floor tile cleaner. Diamonds could not have excited her more.


She fired them up immediately, saying only, “I … I … I can’t believe it.” One year later, the floors have never been cleaner, and, according to the doctor, her ulcer is in remission.

ifguyscouldtalk@hotmail.com

When a Man Loves a Germaphobe

“What a waste of ink,” Joy Allday mumbled, closing the Oprah Magazine, carefully avoiding the fingerprints on the cover. The deal killer? When the “Confrontation for Sissies” article deteriorated into a Latin root word analysis - an exercise that she had avoided since college ... FULL STORY

The Real Story:

• Joy Allday: Fact or Fiction
  While trolling Facebook for friends, acquaintances and potential readers (you too can be my Facebook bud, find me under "Rob Taylor columnist"; I'm the dude with the mullet), I happened upon the greatest name since Snow White: "Hope Allday." Can you think of a more perfect name? I can't. I don't know Hope, but her surname was far too good to pass up.


• A Tale of 2 Germaphobes
  Joy Allday is a composite of 2 readers: Suzie in Phoenix and Angela in Chicago. Both married. Both Germaphobes. Both fighting the good fight with an array of cleaning products. They introduced me to their bizarre and amusing worlds.


• Hamstrung by the Word Limit
  There's SO much more to this story. It nearly killed me, but due to column length restrictions, I had to leave out Suzie's "hovering technique." My guess is that it will surface sometime in the future.


• Feeling the Love for Michael Bolton
  What do Bolton, Celine Dion and Barry Manilow have in common (other than extraordinary noses)? They seem to fall in love within 10 seconds of every song ... just my take.


• Pop Up Wipes ... Da' BOMB
  According to Suzie, there's nothing better on the market. Her passion for the wipes inspired me to post her remarks on my Facebook page. One of my Facebook friends TOTALLY agreed with Suzie's assessment and echoed her sentiments.
  
• Chipping Away ... a Final Thought
  One reader wrote, "LOVED the article last week. It made me laugh - mostly because you pay more for coffee than I pay to fuel up my pink motor scooter."
  
  

CORRECTION:

• P.S. RE: My Financial Guru
  IRAs are "funded", not purcased, she pointed out, correcting the egregious error in last week's column. Like I said, she's good. So good, in fact that she, Carolyn LaFavers, belongs to NOWIB (Network of Women in Business).

COMING SOON:

• How Ya' DO-in'? Really ... Answering Life's MOST Essential Question


• Dialing 9-1-1, Living with the Consequences
  
• It's Me, Your Thirst Pain Talking, Saying, "Feel the Burn"
  
• Train Wrecks, Interventions and the FREAKING Dairy Dip
  
• Warm Memories of Hot Soup
  
• When "Thank You" Doesn't Quite Cut It
  

Join the "If Guys Could Talk" FAN CLUB. Don't miss out! Email ifguyscouldtalk@hotmail.com to join, and I'll email you the link to EVERY NEW story. Life-changing free mugs & t-shirts for ALL fan members when I get rich ...

Dr. F.E. Minist: RE: Coffee

Betty Friedan, a founding member of the National Women's Political Caucus (1971), said the NWPC was organized "to make policy not coffee". Unfortunately there are still a lot of women making coffee. Of the 20 leading employment areas for women, as identified by the US Dept. of Labor, the majority of them are low paying clerical, child care and service work areas. While women make up 46% of the workforce, the median weekly earnings of women who were full-time wage and salary workers were $614, or 80 percent of men’s $766.

On a bright note, women outnumber men as financial managers! Statistics available at the U.S. Department of Labor website: http://www.dol.gov/wb/stats/main.htm




ifguyscouldtalk@hotmail.com

Chipping Away: Readers Respond

"Absolutely right! I have NEVER bought a Caramel Macchiato Frappucino, BUT, I am ashamed to say, I have bought for both my daughters---those hideously expensive fraps--- on numerous occasions. I griped about it every time too. I, myself, love Starbuck's iced teas and am very perturbed when they cannot make my favorite: blueberry white iced tea."
- Carolyn LaFavers, Legendary Financial Guru


"My coffee is something you may or may not have heard of: it's called F O L G E R S, ground, black, one splenda. Yum yum!" - Chi-Town CuppaJo

"I could go for a Java Chip Frappaccino Grande right now, wouldn't mind 'chipping away at the 401K' ... a good song title with the right genre of music ...I reluctantly gave up caffeine about a month ago ... I would get these raging headaches from lack of the C-Drug and could only calm them down by drinking a bottle of M-dew. This story is funny on many levels ... for me the funniest is that my family and I met a grandfather in church 2 Sunday's ago and his name ... "Socrates". He originally was from Columbia ... "Bendiciones" a quote from Socrates ... isn't it fun being a gringo!" - Bustin' a Gut in the Bayou

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Chipping Away at the 401 K

It’s 6:35 a.m. Monday morning.
I’m next in line at Starbucks, salivating like Pavlov’s dog.

I drove here on autopilot, I think, in my “shock-value green” Mazda. It’s even greener than people think: 40 MPG without a drop of ethanol ...
FULL STORY

The Real Story:

• Name that Barista
  Mum's the word RE: the Starbucks barista who offered me "a cup of spit." Surely, her "Legendary Service" pin would be at risk. Her legendary staus is safe with me ... she ALWAYS gets my coffee right.
  
  
• Starbucks: Take 2
  This is my 2nd column about Starbucks. One reader was so disturbed by the first Starbucks column (Coffee Snobs) that he emailed me and told me that I was ruining my daughter's brain development every time she snuck a sip. He included references to scientific journals in his email.



• Got Financial Advice?
  Indianapolis financial guru (and Minot High School Class of '87 alum) Carolyn LaFavers inspired the character in this story. Her mantra: "People tell me they can't afford a financial advisor; I tell them they can't afford NOT to have one. She has worked for Edward Jones for 6 years and change.
  
  
• Behold the Man Purse
  I was accused of toting one 5 years ago. It looked like a growth trying to burst out of my back pocket. Back then, I carried photos, every discount card imaginable, spare car keys and sometimes even money. I caught heck over the "man purse" in the locker room though and eventually downsized to a money clip.
  
  
• Laugh-Out-Loud, Pee-My-Pants Funny Stories
  Do tell! PUH-leeze ... I am ALWAYS scrounging for new column ideas.

ifguyscouldtalk@hotmail.com

Dr. F.E. Minist Chimes In

“I base most of my fashion taste on what doesn’t itch,” said Gilda Radner. Fashion is an elitist notion that serves only to oppress women (frequently by other women) and promote hierarchy in our society. For many women, fashion is based solely on what they can afford, what is on sale or what can be found at a second hand store. For those slaves to fashion, the only people that truly appreciate their style are the merchants and designers who profit from their vanity.

Kudos to Konnie! Enjoy homemade Thanksgiving dinner and you wear your white shoes and pants proudly!

- Dr. F.E. Minist (photo by JuLee Brand)


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Blacklisted Whites: Readers, Ratter, Ratted Respond

"I'm totally against white pants in any season. It seems I have hail damage on my butt and upper thighs and the insurance company won't return my calls!"
- 'Wicked' Wendy Crocker Bailey

For the record: yesterday, the day after Labor Day 2008, I packed up the white pants and white shoes ... truth, whole truth, nothing but the truth. Nothing but winter whites for me until Memorial Day 2009."
- Konnie "The Ratted" Rask

"I’ll make sure I let you know if she wears white again before next summer…hee hee. I offered her $20, but she’s not having it!"
- Carol "The Rat" Macy

"White kitchens went out of style in the early '90s. Now I am told that white kitchens are on their way back into style. If someone decides to purchase a kitchen with white cabinets ... they will have to live with it ... right?"
- Jon in Jacksonville

"I was wearing a white shirt yesterday as I read your article. I felt so liberated!!!!"
- Pam Loomis, 'The Candy Jar Keeper'

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